Complex trauma has been under diagnosed and often misunderstood in the past. Jacques Damhuis has an article describing his experience of complex trauma in OC87 Recovery Diaries. He has said he would like to share the experience of complex trauma to help others who struggle.
DFA Psychology decided to interview him to find out more.
Can you tell me what life was like growing up in your household?
Overall it was very tough because my mom was physically and psychologically abusive and so the atmosphere in the home was very volatile. I used to try and take myself outside of the home and play in the garden to keep myself away from anger. Being outside also meant that I didn’t upset anyone, which kept me safe. But I didn’t have anyone to talk to if I struggled. Many children who struggle feel safe asking parents for help but I couldn’t. I felt very alone and isolated. I realise now that home was not a safe place but at the time I believed the world as a whole wasn’t safe. I think that kids with loving homes grow to become strong stable people because they aren’t scared to share how they feel or what they need. In my home life revolved around making sure my mother wasn’t upset because she would lash out if she was. It definitely wasn’t a space for freedom or spontaneity. I was a very serious child who was guarded about what I said or shared. I didn’t want to get into trouble.
How did the relationships with both of your parents impact you?
My mom has had the greatest impact because she was the primary caregiver. I was very anxious in her presence and battled to talk to her. This has impacted on my life in so many ways. Generally I didn’t feel safe and I have learned to try to please people which often meant I didn’t get my needs met. My therapist explained that I have often tried to keep myself small as a way of staying safe. I am the person in the group who will listen but feel unheard. I have often felt boring. This was enhanced by my dad who I saw rarely growing up. He had a new family and a work life he attended to, and I felt as though he was not at all attentive. It has resulted in a distant and detached relationship.
How did you view yourself as a child? How do you view yourself now as an adult?
As a child I struggled with anxiety. I was very shy and underconfident. I felt as though I wasn’t good enough. I think the only sense of control I had in a stormy world was to blame myself because that meant there was something I could do to put it right. I felt different and faulted and I didn’t know how to interact with other people. I struggled academically which was often a vicious circle because the more I struggled, the more anxiety I felt and the more it impacted on my ability to concentrate. Exams were terrifying because I was scared of getting bad results, which meant I would freeze and get bad results, which meant punishment, which increased my fear of bad results.
Socially I struggled with feeling safe enough to contribute to a conversation. I battled to connect emotionally which meant spending much of my adult life alone. I focused on work and I battled to have fun, to connect and to belong. In groups I always felt like the outsider. Relationships have been very hard because they need deep connection and I was scared to share how I felt and what I needed from my partner. I spent much of my adult life avoiding conflict and I used to spend a lot of time working.
Now, I feel loved and cared about. I recognise that being able to see multiple points of view is a gift. A harsh childhood means that I will never take love for granted, which means I feel very content with my life. I am a spiritual person who feels connected to nature and this brings me joy. I still feel as though I am going from surviving to thriving and my journey isn’t over yet but I feel very much stronger than I used to.
What would you say your love language is?
I would say food is my love language as I enjoy trying to please my wife with food she enjoys. I have always believed cooking is something I can do well and I love making special treats for my family. I love hearing my wife say it's better than eating out.
Quality time is my other love language. I am committed to being there for my partner and determined my daughter will never feel like me. I have always known I would need to be fully committed to a child. I love being a father and watching my daughter’s face light up when I play with her.
What helps you to cope with the after effects of what you’ve been through?
Therapy techniques help alot, more than I ever knew they could. At first I didn't understand why looking at the past was inportant. I spent most of my life burrying the past. Now journaling and talking about it has proven helpful. Some techniques are person specific so not all work for everyone else. But questions asked in therapy helped me to uncover my past. Before this, I had very little understanding of how my life fitted together. My therapy journey has helped me to soothe and understand the child inside of me because even though I could cope now , the little boy inside of me didn’t realise we had survived. EDMR was very helpful during the initial stages of therapy because helped reduce the panic I felt when exploring old memories.
What advice would you give to someone who can relate to your experiences?
Gabriel from OC87 Recovery Diaries recently showed me that the question to ask is “What happened to you?”. I think as trauma survivors we can carry on abusing ourselves sometimes. If you have symptoms, getting help improves quality of life. Try not to self diagnose. I spent a long time trying to find out what was wrong with me, but I couldn’t guess the answer. Seek professional help and make sure to tell them as much as you can recall. You can only heal from working through the traumatic past events and making some sort of sense of what happened. Trauma symptoms are normal response to something abnormal that happened.
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