When Growth Means Letting Go of Who You Had to Be

Growth is often described as becoming more —more confident, more certain, more capable.

But sometimes, growth looks like letting go.

Letting go of roles you once relied on. Letting go of identities that helped you survive. Letting go of versions of yourself that were necessary at one point, but no longer fit.

This can feel unsettling — especially when those earlier versions carried you through difficult seasons.

The selves we don’t thank enough

Many people carry a sense of discomfort, or even shame, about who they used to be.

The over-responsible one. The strong one. The one who stayed quiet to keep the peace. The one who coped by pleasing, achieving, or enduring.

But these parts didn’t appear by accident. They formed in response to what was needed at the time.

They were intelligent adaptations — not flaws.

And yet, there often comes a moment when you realise:this version of me is costing more than it’s giving.

Why letting go can feel like loss

Outgrowing an identity isn’t always relieving. It can bring grief.

Grief for the familiarity of who you were. Grief for the certainty that role once offered. Grief for the way that version of you was recognised or relied upon.

Letting go doesn’t mean that version was wrong. It means your life has changed — and so have your needs.

Growth isn’t rejection

There’s a common fear that changing means disowning your past.

That if you soften, rest, or choose differently, you’re somehow betraying who you once were — or the people who depended on that version of you.

But growth doesn’t erase earlier selves.It integrates them.

You don’t need to reject who you had to be in order to become who you are now.

You can honour that version and allow yourself to move forward.

A gentler way to think about change

Instead of asking, “Why can’t I be like I used to be?”You might ask:

• What no longer fits the life I’m living now?

• What am I no longer willing to carry?

• What would it mean to respond to myself with more care?

These questions invite growth without pressure.

A closing reflection

You are allowed to evolve without apologising.You are allowed to loosen your grip on identities that once kept you safe.You are allowed to choose a life that requires less self-sacrifice.

Growth isn’t about becoming someone unrecognisable.

Sometimes, it’s about finally allowing yourself to be more fully seen.

—

Dr Dom 🤎